From now until October 13th I’ll be backpacking through Europe with my older sister.
Will I survive?
I sure hope so. 🙂
See you around Halloween!
I’m always moving.
The last time I wrote here, a looming two months ago, I’d just moved from my condo in Colorado Springs to an A shaped mountain cabin in Chipita Park. And now? I’m sitting in my childhood Orange County home. I have moved again. Yippee.
This was always the plan. My return to California had been anticipated since the slushy days of spring. Yet despite knowing I would eventually leave, my reality continued to root itself into Colorado. Attachments strengthened and new relationships bloomed and so now here I am, so close to the ocean, sitting on old memories, slipping into the fault lines I’ve always feared. I feel off here. Backwards. Like I’m walking on the ceiling, like my head has been forced into my gut. I have no direction without Pikes Peak. What is west? What is east? Don’t mind the ocean, it’s not solid, it’s just a dream.
Am I making sense?
I didn’t mean to skip July. I had every intention of writing an entry. But the days spun past and I was happy and living and thoroughly focused on being there, being in Colorado, being with my summer significant other who yes is now a thousand miles away and I miss wretchedly, being at the job I adored, and laughing with the friends who kept me sane. So I shrugged off any guilt in terms of this dusty blog and now it’s August.
Well. It has been August. This month is ending, and rightfully so.
I traveled through Costa Rica for ten days, turned nineteen, left Chipita Park, abused my friend’s couches for a week, and drove the thousand miles separating Colorado Springs to south Orange County. It’s been a full, blessed August.
People have asked me why I moved. Why I left Colorado Springs when things were so ideal. I had a full time job, I was paying my own rent, I had incredible friends, I loved the weather, the mountains made me saner. So why did I leave?
I have goals. I have dreams. I want to learn and educate myself and grow. I want to attend school and I want to travel this world. I want to write and write and edit until my eyes bleed. I’m only nineteen. I have the universe before me. Colorado will always be home to me, and I do believe I’ll one day live there again, but I can’t work full time and go to school too. And I can’t let my dad pay for out of state tuition when California has a bounty of colleges to pick from. And gosh, if I’ve missed anything these last eight months, it has been writing. Because I can’t write and work full time and go to school and see loved ones too and my brain will shut off soon if I don’t dip back into my fictional worlds. Writing is my food, so why have I been abstaining? Why did I let my days grow so heavy with selling natural foods that collecting words fell to the bottom of the totem pole?
I was becoming stagnant in Colorado, locked in by my job and money, which is so absurd when you’re as young as me. And maybe I sound selfish, maybe I sound immature and naïve and it’s time to grow up, wake up, but if I have the opportunity to pursue other things and try out new games then it’d be foolish to let them pass. And I should be rash and free while I can, right? I should make these silly decisions and obscure changes while I’m young.
The one thing I believe firmly is that I should always follow my gut, trust my silly intuition, not listen to anyone else, and do what feels right. I can honestly say that I don’t regret any of the choices I’ve made. And Colorado… My time in Colorado was irrevocably impacting. More than just a brief residency, but a period that showed me glimpses of the person I want to be, of the life I want to live, the moments I need to see.
But what I do know is that everything will fall into place, and honestly, I’m excited to see where this manic road takes me.
And just like that everything came together. As usual, blessings rose out of havoc. When I last wrote here, my entire world was teetering towards the edge. I returned home to Colorado (I’d been visiting in California) to discover that a family of four had moved into my area of the condo I was residing in. My privacy was ripped, my sanity illusive. I’m introverted by nature, thrive off of alone time, so the intolerably close proximity with the clan of strangers was utterly consuming.
My options were limited. A month ago I’d concluded that I’ll be returning to California at the end of the summer. That’s another story in itself, but basically, I want to start focusing on school and I can’t afford the out of state tuition that Colorado offers. So, journey back to coast I am. It’s a tragedy really, but I’ll be fine. And I’m savoring the time I have left here. But when I realized I had to get out of my present housing situation FAST, my reality began to boil. Where could I find a two-month lease? For a dreadful day, I was positive I’d be leaving Colorado at the end of June rather than the close of August.
And then the universe shifted. I found a home. I found a home where my housemate is okay with my mere two-month stay. I found a home high up in the mountains at 8000 feet yet still only twenty minutes from work, where the rent is the same as my old place and I can still be financially free. I found a home with seclusion and privacy, a home surrounded by pines and cottonwoods and elms, a home where you must remember to put the bird feeders inside for the night unless you want a visit from the local bears. It’s so ideal, so lovely. It doesn’t feel real. It all happened so quickly – in a matter of two days I posted the ad on craigslist, received a reply, saw the house, got my key, and moved in.
And so there you go. That’s where I am. Just moved. Am now just living. Twirling through each day I have here, as my time in Colorado truly is fleeting. But that’s life, always churning, always altering in some way. That’s what makes it fun, right? All of this chaos. Personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
What is up with me and Spring and losing pockets of this website? I swear I have some massive deja vu right now. Didn’t this happen last year?
Long story short, when my host moved name servers a few weeks ago I didn’t get the memo and in result lost all updates and changes made here in the month of May. Lame, right? Kind of a bummer. But luckily my updates were minimal and few, so it’s all good. Serves me right for not backing the place up regularly.
Things haven’t been so flawless lately. There’s been a lot of turmoil, a lot of potential change, a lot of shit going down. I keep waiting for things to straighten out. I keep thinking that one of these days I’m going to wake up and for the first time in a long time have a seamless day. But I suppose that isn’t reality, so maybe I should be grateful. I always say that my greatest fear is a stagnant world. And things were getting a bit dull, I suppose, so hooray. Gotta love exhausting change! I have faith that everything will work out eventually. I’m not giving up yet. There is a light ahead. There is always a light, no matter how dim…
And I also got a new tattoo!
I would share the potential forthcoming changes that I hinted at, but everything is so elusive — I think I’ll wait until I actually have an inkling of a clue as to where my life will be in the next few weeks. We shall see.
Is it too late to write an April blog? Hm. No? Good.
These monthly updates have become rather silly and repetitive. I’m always scattering to summarize my present reality, which has become oddly fast paced. I’m not used to so much change, so not accustomed to this world I’ve created. But it’s working for me. I’m balanced on some level or another, and I’m content. That’s what counts, right?
Well. Colorado is still lovely. I found a new job and therefore had to quit my beloved barista gig. But the new job is ideal, involves an awesome group of people and natural food (hooray!). Plus I went from working ten hours a week to over forty. Money, money, money. It’s a fabulous feeling to pay your own rent, that’s all I have to say on the matter. My psychology course at the college is coming to an end. I enjoyed it, but I’m thrilled to set it aside.
Why? Because it’s essential that I return to the world of writing. Now. While I love education and hope to pursue it further when life allows, writing is (as it always has been and will be) my priority. It’s my career of choice, a passion that’s impossible to smother, and the one thing that keeps my sanity in check.
This weekend my mom (who flew out from California to visit!) and I attended the Pikes Peak Writer’s Conference. It was beyond motivating, as well as productive. I suppose spring is a lucky time of year for me. I’m definitely intrigued to see what May and June will bring. Hopefully less snow than April! I love the cold, but I’m ready for some thawing time. 😉
Last month was a photo with dad, this month a photo with my mom.