It’s been a busy few weeks, so nothing could have been sweeter than yesterday’s evening with my dad. I hadn’t seen him since January and it would be an absurd lie to claim I didn’t miss him.
After such a balmy spring day, we’re now being slammed with snow. I’m using the freezing weather as an excuse to hibernate. Today is paused for the sake of my mental health. I shall not leave my warm lavender-infused cave – such a concept being that I’ve been running around like a mad woman the past few weeks. I plan to do some yoga, drink lots of tea, get a head start on my psychology coursework, and dig deep into the grains of my FIY revision. It shall be a blessed day indeed. 🙂
February is nearly over. My monthly blog deadline is closing in and for the first time in weeks, I’m spending an evening at home. This is very odd. I have a dire urge to stare blankly at my office wall and let my mind spill over in silence…
But. No. No. Productivity. Must be productive. Always productive!
My route to work after the weekend’s storm.
Days pass easily. I’m more content than I have ever been. I keep waiting for something to slam into me, some great traumatic event to take place and swing me off my hinge. For years I have walked into each moment repeating, “You are happy, you are happy, you are fucking happy for fuck’s sake.” But now I just am. I am happy and my restless mantra is so unnecessary.
My jaw constantly aches. Perhaps I smile too much. Is that possible?
My psychology course is ridiculously intriguing. I flew to Utah and saw my family. I have yet to develop a senile hatred for my flatmates. My friends still seem to love me despite seeing me as often as they do. Driving in snow and ice and death is actually not as horrific as I expected. A good friend and I took a spontaneous road trip (literally planned six hours in advance) to southern Arizona and I got to hug my dear Hannah. I somehow managed to grab a job at an adorable independent coffeehouse in Manitou Springs (yes, where FIY takes place, yes, I pretend I serve espresso to Vincent everyday, yes, I’m crazy) where we have live music on frequent occasions and vegan cupcakes and HEMP (and almond and soy and regular) milk. I’m still writing, still revising (FIY), still breathing as I normally do.
I have never been so alive. I have never been so productive. I have never been so excited to go to sleep at night just so I can wake up and start the new day. I always anticipated that Colorado would be a good choice of a move, that I would be happy here, but never to this extent, never to this grand of intensity.
Naturally, everything isn’t all wonderful and dandy. There are faults and annoyances and minutes where I just want to scream at the cloudy sun. It’s reality. And it’s fragmented. But the fragments are what make the good things so blissful.
Today was good. It was good because I let it be.
And I wrote these 600 something words in these innocent few minutes and I’m sure this entire entry is scattered and cheesy and the usual Heather bullshit. But this is me. This is what makes sense in my head, what came from my fingers and out onto my keyboard. I’m here to remain.
Anyway. This is it. The end. Until March. And I’m closing comments. Not for any real reason. Comments just don’t feel necessary, you know? Email me if you feel compelled to respond to that question.
Before I begin, I dedicate this entry to my incredible friend Shola. If it weren’t for her giving me a deadline this never, ever would have been written. I probably would have become an Every Six Months Blogger. So, yes, thank you Shola. I owe you one!
I have moved to Colorado Springs. Everything involved in my relocation occurred so effortlessly. Nothing went wrong. I’m still blinking back in shock – waiting for something horrific to fall from the sky, to symbolize the intensity of what I just did.
What did I just do? I moved to Colorado. Since I was fourteen I’ve been counting down the days until I turned eighteen and could ship my life off to the Rockies and it finally happened, it’s no longer a dream, no longer a hopeful goal, but an absolute reality. I signed a lease, drove over a thousand miles, and spun my life into a whole new orbit. The days here pass differently, like the high altitude has greater powers than what we know.
Nothing is constant. Nothing ever remains the same. Everything changes. That’s the truth of life, that’s the one fact that has yet to fail in consistency. So as this moment stretches on, I’m all the more grateful to be within it.
I think I’ll remain a Monthly Blogger for now. It works with my current rhythm and, truth be told, blogging is low on my list of priorities. I have my novel revisions, my friends, my distant family, my health to maintain, a psychology course this semester to ace, a job to obtain, and so on. But I’ll still be around, I always come back eventually.
May I just take this random paragraph to rave over how incredible it is to live where my second book takes place? It’s such a blessing to work on a scene and then drive to where it supposedly occurs. It’s a constant flood of inspiration, an endless reminder to STOP, slow down, and write for fuck’s sake. And yeah, okay, I definitely lived in Orange County (within driving distance of everything) where A FEAR OF TEARS is set during the entire writing process, but this is different. This is Colorado Springs.
It’s like I’ve finally come home. I’m living my dream, the dream I held close since I was fourteen, and it feels so real. This is the reality. The truth of it hit me easily. I settled here so naturally.
Anyway. Back to the FIY revision!
It’s raining today. Outside the air is lost in the heavy weight of coastal fog. The sky broken and gray, bruised from yesterday. December is fleeting. The onslaught of holiday festivities and laced up boots press down on the fast forward button of the day. In another blink, I’ll be residing in Colorado Springs. I’ve already signed the lease and received my brass key.
I’ve made a decision. I’m officially a Monthly Blogger. Updating by the month is what is most intuitively right for me at this time. I’ll probably bump up the blogging again after I’m settled from my move, but right now I’m focusing on FIY revision #2 and enjoying my last weeks in soggy southern California with my family.
Writing is always such a learning experience. Every draft is different, every revision an entirely new process, like hiking in the mountains for the first time. My mind is a lot more soothed and steady since I last blogged. Remember? I wasn’t working on FIY, only writing prose and poetry. I wasn’t blocked. I simply wasn’t ready to dip into the revision. It took another week of scribbling in my mole-skinned journal before I was. But then the gun went off and the mad frenzy began.
Now I’ve combined the two: my novel writing and the tilted “mind’s dribble” (as dear Shola called it.) Breathing is such an easier task when I’m the midst of a revision. Life is good. I don’t snap at my family as much, and that is always a beautiful thing. The occasional rain is also very calming to me. I’m not a sun girl. I like wearing layers, seeing my breath when I walk outside and hearing the curse of winter’s wind. Storms are more real, so raw, compared to blue skies and happy weather.
The next time I blog I’ll be writing from Colorado. I hope everyone has a lovely holiday! Stay warm. Drink lots of tea and gingerbread coffee, spend some time with your family. 🙂 Hug a tree.
I’ll leave you with a quote. In all honesty, autumn was rather rough and jagged. But this quote reminded me that it’s okay. It’s all a part of the grand journey. I made it through the different pains and I’ll make it through whatever else in store for me.
“When we can accept all of life’s contradictions, when we can comfortably flow between the banks of pleasure and pain, experiencing them both and getting caught in neither, then we are free.” – Deepak Chopra
Until next time. 🙂
Life is moving. Spinning. Days pass quickly. It’s November. November. I’ve returned from a week long Colorado trip. I found my future home – a beautiful condo on the westside of town, on the base of Pikes Peak. The move is REALLY going to happen. On the first Sunday of January, I shall depart in my car for the Rockies. It’s so odd to realize this.
And yeah, I totally just made a huge deal about being a “novelist” back in August, and not wanting to write anything but novels, but gosh, these days my creativity has just tilted. I’m not complaining. I welcome the change. Though I do need to work on the FIY Revision #2. Perhaps the ball will get rolling again once I receive my professional “notes”. No, I still have not heard from the Important Person, but I’m oddly calm about it. She’ll email whenever she emails, and you know, until then I’ll continue to work and cultivate my craft.
I got a new tattoo this weekend!
Anyway. I’m absurdly pleased with how it turned out.
Mallory requested a photo of my new glasses. So, this photo is dedicated to her! Yeah. Not really a picture of my glasses specifically, but I’m really not a fan of close up face photos.