This is a quick post. Basically, just a hello and a good bye! For the next twelve days I’ll be traveling up and around California – hitting up the Yosemite, the American Fork River (hello river rafting), Napa Valley, the Redwood Forest and Humboldt County, San Francisco (hello old home!), Big Sur, and lastly, San Louis Obispo.

Will we survive 12 days straight together?

During this time I’ll be turning eighteen (August 9th), so be sure to send me some happy birthday vibes! Most likely, I won’t be posting again until I return from the road and before I depart for the skies (aka Seattle). I hope everyone has a beautiful start to their August!

Well, last Thursday I received a few answers in regards to my poor health. If you follow me on Twitter, then you most likely already know that I somehow or another managed to develop salmonella poisoning. Yes, SALMONELLA POISONING! The thing you typically get from eating raw eggs and meat? The thing that SIX HUNDRED US citizens die annually from? The thing that usually departs your body in 4 to 7 days, if it hasn’t crippled you to a hospital bed?

A few thoughts for everyone:

• I’ve been a solid vegan for 2 years.
• I don’t have a spleen and I suffer from an immune deficiency disorder, as well as four other blood disorders. This leaves my body very undefended in terms of illness.
• My doctor estimates that I’ve had this salmonella poisoning for SEVERAL MONTHS now. My body didn’t have the tools to fight it off alone, so it’s just been… sitting in me. It’s incredible that I’m not dead, really.

No wonder I’ve been feeling horrid lately!

To top this all off, I also learned that I have a severe intolerance to chocolate. CHOCOLATE! My ultimate favorite food. There is nothing more brilliant then a tiny piece of 80% dark chocolate after several hours of rigorous, yet blissful writing. I grew up on chocolate milk, every day, sometimes 3 times a day. Chocolate. I’m intolerant to chocolate. Really? REALLY, BODY?!

Yes, I’m intolerant to chocolate, as well as about a hundred other foods. I now have another new medical term to add to my list! Intestinal Permeability. Basically, my gut is ridiculously and tragically sensitive. I’m practically intolerant to everything, really. It’s very likely I did this to myself, that this yet another lovely after effect of Anorexia. I’m trying to not think about this. I’m just going to push forward, eat what feels best for my tummy, and hope that I eventually regain my body’s trust again.

My name is Heather Ezell and I’ve been chocolate free for 3 days. Please comfort me during this tragic time.

I’m still waiting to hear back from other tests, the more important tests, actually. Blood work. Yes, we now are worried something new is occurring with my blood. I’m praying everything will turn out normal (normal for me, that is), but I won’t get any answers until late August…

Until then, I’m enjoying my life and not fretting over silly things like food sensitivities and salmonella poisoning (which I’m now on intensive medication for). Both have been caught and now I can only move on. While I could morn my new dietary restrictions and last six months of sickening health, it simply DOES NOT matter and there is no point in obsessing over it.

What matters?

Spending time with my family and friends, the fact that my body has managed to put up with all of this turmoil, writing to my heart’s desire, being in the moment, traveling and learning from new sights, and honestly, being optimistic. I know personally that life is too fragile and short to let the small things break you down.

Enjoy your week, friends! Take a moment and dedicate it to something extraordinarily simple and special in your life, perhaps something you’re taking for granted. Cheers for good health!

I don’t remember who made this comment, but a while back a friend of mine mentioned that my blog posts are consistently upbeat and hopeful. She asked me if I ever feel down, if I ever just break down and fall…

My answer? By the hour.

I recently wrote about this in my private LiveJournal, but I’m an emotional wreck. I don’t mean this in a negative way, nor do I mean it in a positive way. Quite simply, my mood plummets and flies at the speed of light. Ask my family. One moment, I’ll be giddy with elation and in the next I’ll be in a lonely corner with death on my shoulders. I have days where even my closest friends and the darkest of chocolates can’t break my case of the blues. And you know what? That’s okay.

I’m human.

Today has been a rough one. Nothing tangible happened, but for unexplainable reasons, my heart is heavy and my mood is low. I wrote, practiced yoga, talked with a good friend for over an hour, meditated on my highly anticipated Ohio trip next week, and even made vegan rice krispie treats… Yet I’m still hurting.

So, in case any one else is wondering if I ever struggle to stay strong and on top of depression: Yes. Yes, I do… But I get by. I grasp onto the knowledge that the hopelessness I’m feeling will eventually pass and that maybe my next moment will be brighter. Because, and this is something I know, there is always happiness ahead.

It is this touch of wisdom that I’m thankful for today.

I’m feeling significantly better today. Still a bit queasy and off, but oh so healthy and alive. Is it weird that I’m often grateful for illness? Because once I recover and feel better, I find I have so much more gratitude for my life and health. I wrote an entry a few weeks ago (yes, it’s one of the lost blogs) about my numerous blood disorders, and I remember I had such difficulty writing it. I felt like I was complaining. I was sure I sounded selfish… because truly, I’m blessed.

I have a body that can walk (and sometimes run!), lift, stretch, and breathe. My body does so much work for me. It never gives up, never lets me down. Sure, it has its flaws… but look at me, I’m still alive. I guess after a week of being confined to my bed, I’m feeling grateful today.

Anyway, a good friend of mine is flying in from Canada tomorrow (well, technically Utah, but whatever). I haven’t seen Dalia since last March, so I’m beyond thrilled for her visit. It’s funny. She saw my temporary home of the Bay Area and now she’ll be seeing my childhood home of Orange County.

While I’m definitely not as proud as Southern CA as I am of Northern CA, I’m still excited to share it with her. It’ll also be fun to bring a Canadian along for my Independence Day celebrations!

Have a beautiful day everyone!

It’s been hard. After living on my own in the rainy Bay Area, returning to my family’s house in the desert of southern California has not been an easy dance. There are many things I forgot about my childhood home – good and bad – and it’s been interesting rediscovering the emotions that my family brings out.

The number one thing that has helped me most with my move has been hiking. I live on the edge of Orange County, literally right next to an 8000 acre protected wilderness park and bird sanctuary. My family is blessed with access to a trail that runs through the preserved land – a trail that I believe eventually leads to Laguna Beach.

Anyway, I’ve become addicted to the hike. The land that surrounds me when I get deep into the hike is mesmerizing. Despite the rollings hills being dry as a desert, they are not at all lacking absolute beauty. I’m able to finally find peace on these walks.

I’m not the only one who enjoys the trail, my Belle baby was in absolute heaven the two different times I brought her along.

Anyway, now that I’ve fully nested into my new (and old) home, I can FINALLY get back to my full time favorite pass time and job: writing! I’m working on a revision for FALLING INTO YESTERDAY and I’m ridiculously excited for the new content and plot twists I’ll be adding. I can’t wait to share the updated manuscript with a few of my readers.

Have a great week!

I’ve felt so much better the past two days, that I even went out exploring. Living in Berkeley without a car and very few friends, I make an effort to go wander and discover hidden gems at least once a week. This has become one of my ultimate favorite things to do.

Basically, I put on a good pair of shoes, sometimes bring my iPod, and grab my camera. Then, I walk. I get out of downtown (where I live) and simply wander. I typically go in the evenings, but I give myself at least three hours of sunlight, because I WILL get lost at some point.

But getting lost is the best part. I’ve found some of the most beautiful random things on these walks – a secret rose garden, a deserted mansion, mind numbing views of the entire San Francisco Bay, a field of flowers, a hidden river running through the city…

On Friday I discovered the best place yet. It’s no hidden gem, in fact, after doing some research, I realized it’s a rather known spot. But for me, it was an absurd and random place. I was giddy. After becoming quite lost, I was gleeful at my finding.

It had simply started as another unique street. Every house its own home. Every tree dancing to its own beat. I caught my breath though, when it ended, and before me stood a great huge boulder. Three times taller then all the houses it surrounded.

I approached it and grew even more thrilled as I saw people were sitting at the top. Despite wearing a dress and becoming more fatigued with every minute, I had to find a way up. I had to reach the top. Lucky for me, I discovered that jagged steps had been carved up the rock.

I walked. Step by step. And with the higher I got, the more incredible the view became.

I wish I had a better camera. A camera that could capture what my eyes saw. All of Berkeley. All of San Francisco. The buildings of Oakland. The Bay Bridge. The Golden Gate Bridge. The entire Bay Area. It stopped me cold, it was so beautiful and so unexpected.

I sat. The air brisk, but slightly warm. The sun out, but not so strong that it burnt my skin. I sat and looked out all around me. If you ever come to the Bay Area, I highly suggest you spend an evening enjoying the sun set beyond the Golden Gate Bride from Indian Rock. There are a lot of nice sitting areas, so perhaps have a picnic, too!

I’m not ashamed to admit that, despite it being over an hour away on foot, I returned to the same spot yesterday. Nor am I going to deny that I’ll probably be back again sometime in the next few days. It’s just such a lovely, peaceful spot. So inspiring…

Speaking of which, I’ve been writing a great deal. Churning out words at a faster rate then normal. It’s all material for FALLING INTO YESTERDAY, which is quite exciting. FIY’s plot is much more tricky and woven then A FEAR OF TEARS, so it’s fantastic feeling to have points finally come together.

Anyway, how was your weekend?

If anything, this was a blessing. Since coming back to Berkeley I’ve been able to appreciate it even more. The little things. The big things. The shock of having to leave in just a few week has given me the ability to enjoy each day in a new way. At the same time, I’m antsy. Skittish, maybe. I’m at this point of my life where I don’t know what to expect. Three months from now I have no clue where I’ll be, but I suppose that is a good thing.

Whatever the case, everything is crazy. It’s hard for me realize that my time here is ending. Did I not just move in? Time is such a ridiculous concept, but it’s beautiful.

ANYHOW, I was tagged by Shola to do a meme! Yay!

What’s your real name? Heather Ezell.
Are you sad? Not in this moment.
Who is your best friend? Fayie.
What was the first thing you did this morning when you got up?Drank a glass of water.
Whatís the last movie you saw? Lost in Translation.
Are you a friendly person? I think so.
What song are you listening to right now? Giri Song by Trevor Hall.
When was the last time you cried? This morning.
Have you ever broken somebody’s heart? Supposedly.
When you had your first kiss? Fourteen. It was lovely.
Do you wish upon stars? Maybe.
What can make you happy in this moment? My gratitude.
Do you drink or smoke? No.
Where did you sleep last night?In my loft.
Where is the last place you went? Farmer’s market.
Answered the truth on all questions? Yes.

It’s so boring.

There is one exception to our weather though – the exception that caused the great fires that stretched from San Diego to Malibu last year, that threw my family’s trampoline over the backyard fence and into the neighbor’’s yard, and keeps me tossing and turning at night.

The Santa Ana Winds. They roar and dance through Southern California’s hills and valley’s with no mercy. They kick trees to the ground and toss trash through the street. They spark wild brush fires that destroy beautiful land and homes. The winds will cause your skin to peel and your hair to become brittle, but despite all the shortcomings, I must admit, I love the Santa Ana Winds.

I believe the winds are innocent. Late fall is their one time to shine, their one time to let loose and cause havoc. Through January until October, these winds are silenced – shut down to mere whispers of ocean breeze.

So it’s only natural that come October, they let loose all their steam.

There is something absurdly mystical and elating about the screams of the winds. It’s a sensation that has my fingers punching my keyboard, drawing up plot twists like my life depends on it. When the Santa Ana Winds begin their siren, it feels as if anything can occur.

In this moment, my window is shaking in its frame. My head is heavy from having trees slam across my window all through the night. My eyes burn from the dry scattering air. But in this moment, I feel absolutely alive.

Now, this doesn’t mean that a month from now, when the winds are still screaming their song, that I’ll still be all loveydoveyooohhhahhh. When Christmas morning comes around, and I wake up to the trampoline in the neighbor’s yard AGAIN, I’m sure I’ll be quite… tired of the wind’s playfulness.

Nothing lasts forever, you know – love for destructive winds included.