But. No. No. Productivity. Must be productive. Always productive!

My route to work after the weekend’s storm.

Life is lovely. In all honestly, I’m struggling with words. So much has occurred since I last wrote here, so much good, so much craze, so many random and thoughtful and ridiculous moments. How can I even attempt to sum it up in a silly blog post? Not to mention a quick, breezy blog post (despite this being a “mellow evening at home” I have a frantic list of things that should be accomplished before I attempt to sleep)?

Days pass easily. I’m more content then I have ever been. I keep waiting for something to slam into me, some great traumatic event to take place and swing me off my hinge. For years I have walked into each moment repeating, “You are happy, you are happy, you are fucking happy for fuck’s sake.” But now I just am. I am happy and my restless mantra is so unnecessary.

My jaw constantly aches. Perhaps I smile too much. Is that possible?

View from my Mini Cooper on the I-10 in route to Tucson, Arizona.

My psychology course is ridiculously intriguing. I flew to Utah and saw my family. I have yet to develop a senile hatred for my flatmates. My friends still seem to love me despite seeing me as often as they do. Driving in snow and ice and death is actually not as horrific as I expected. A good friend and I took a spontaneous roadtrip (literally planned six hours in advance) to southern Arizona and I got to hug my dear Hannah. I somehow managed to grab a job at an adorable independent coffeehouse in Manitou Springs (yes, where FIY takes place, yes, I pretend I serve espresso to Vincent everyday, yes, I’m crazy) where we have live music on frequent occassions and vegan cupcakes and HEMP (and almond and soy and regular) milk. I’m still writing, still revising (FIY), still breathing as I normally do.

Blurry family in Park City, Utah.

I have never been so alive. I have never been so productive. I have never been so excited to go to sleep at night just so I can wake up and start the new day. I always anticipated that Colorado would be a good choice of a move, that I would be happy here, but never to this extent, never to this grand of intensity.

Naturally everything isn’t all wonderful and dandy. There are faults and annoyances and minutes where I just want to scream at the cloudy sun. It’s reality. And it’s fragmented. But the fragments are what make the good things so blissful.

Today was good. It was good because I let it be.

And I wrote these 600 something words in these innocent few minutes and I’m sure this entire entry is scattered and cheesy and the usual Heather bullshit. But this is me. This is what makes sense in my head, what came from my fingers and out onto my keyboard. I’m here to remain.

Anyway. This is it. The end. Until March. And I’m closing comments. Not for any real reason. Comments just don’t feel necessary, you know? Email me if you feel compelled to respond to that question.

Anyway. Life.

I have moved to Colorado Springs. Everything involved in my relocation occurred so effortlessly. Nothing went wrong. I’m still blinking back in shock – waiting for something horrific to fall from the sky, to symbolize the intensity of what I just did.

What did I just do? I moved to Colorado. Since I was fourteen I’ve been counting down the days until I turned eighteen and could ship my life off to the Rockies and it finally happened, it’s no longer a dream, no longer a hopeful goal, but absolute reality. I signed a lease, drove over a thousand miles, and spun my life into a whole new orbit. The days here pass differently, like the high altitude has greater powers then what we know.

I’ve been here for two weeks now, but if I didn’t know better it’s been two years. Time has slowed incredibly and for once I’m so grateful, for the first time in my life I’m bowing down to this perspective, to these days that last for an eternity. It’s odd to be on my own again, to have flatmates and no parents and no one to bend to but myself. But it’s so right, this is so what I needed, and as each hour ends, I find myself all the more giddy to be living the life I currently live.

Nothing is constant. Nothing ever remains the same. Everything changes. That’s the truth of life, that’s the one fact that has yet to fail in consistency. So as this moment stretches on, I’m all the more grateful to be within it.

I think I’ll remain a Monthly Blogger for now. It works with my current rhythm and, truth be told, blogging is low on my list of priorities. I have my novel revisions, my friends, my distant family, my health to maintain, a psychology course this semester to ace, a job to obtain, and so on. But I’ll still be around, I always come back eventually.

May I just take this random paragraph to rave over how incredible it is to live where my second book takes place? It’s such a blessing to work on a scene and then drive to where it supposedly occurs. It’s a constant flood of inspiration, an endless reminder to STOP, slow down, and write for fuck’s sake. And yeah, okay, I definitely lived in Orange County (within driving distance of everything) where A FEAR OF TEARS is set during the entire writing process, but this is different. This is Colorado Springs.

It’s like I’ve finally come home. I’m living my dream, the dream I held close since I was fourteen, and it feels so real. This is reality. The truth of it hit me easily. I settled here so naturally.

Before I wrap this up just a quick shot out to all of my fellow aspiring authors out there! If you have a completed YA or MG manuscript, check out this Kidlit Contest. I’ll definitely be entering.

Anyway. Back to the FIY revision!

I’ve made a decision. I’m officially a Monthly Blogger. Updating by the month is what is most intuitively right for me at this time. I’ll probably bump up the blogging again after I’m settled from my move, but right now I’m focusing on FIY revision #2 and enjoying my last weeks in soggy southern California with my family.

Writing is always such a learning experience. Every draft is different, every revision an entirely new process, like hiking in the mountains for the first time. My mind is a lot more soothed and steady since I last blogged. Remember? I wasn’t working on FIY, only writing prose and poetry. I wasn’t blocked. I simply wasn’t ready to dip into the revision. It took another week of scribbling in my mole skinned journal before I was. But then the gun went off and the mad frenzy began.

Now I’ve combined the two: my novel writing and the tilted “mind’s dribble” (as dear Shola called it.) Breathing is such an easier task when I’m the midst of a revision. Life is good. I don’t snap at my family as much, and that is always a beautiful thing. The occasional rain is also very calming to me. I’m not a sun girl. I like wearing layers, seeing my breath when I walk outside, and hearing the curse of winter’s wind. Storms are realer, so raw, compared to blue skies and happy weather.

The next time I blog I’ll be writing from Colorado. I hope everyone has a lovely holiday! Stay warm. Drink lots of tea and gingerbread coffee, spend sometime with your family. Hug a tree.

I’ll leave you with a quote. In all honesty, autumn was rather rough and jagged. But this quote reminded me that it’s okay. It’s all a part of the grand journey. I made it through the different pains and I’ll make it through whatever else in store for me.

“When we can accept all of life’s contradictions, when we can comfortably flow between the banks of pleasure and pain, experiencing them both and getting caught in neither, then we are free.” – Deepak Chopra

Until next time.

As always, I’ve been writing, but not in the typical Heather Way. I’m writing poetry and lyrical passages of nothing. I’m writing a lot of odd types of artistic things, work I don’t usually do. I’ve never been one for poetry, but that has become my muse. Long paragraphs of eloquent meaningless whining. I’m proud of the writing, but they’re not novels. And therefore in my head not truly productive. I’m in between revisions. I SHOULD be working on FIY, but instead my mind is spinning with these silly fragmented passages. Poetry of sorts, but not really. I’m no poet.

And yeah, I totally just made a huge deal about being a “novelist” back in August, and not wanting to write anything but novels, but gosh, these days my creativity has just tilted. I’m not complaining. I welcome the change. Though I do need to work on the FIY Revision #2. Perhaps the ball will get rolling again once I receive my professional “notes”. No, I still have not heard from the Important Person, but I’m oddly calm about it. She’ll email whenever she emails, and you know, until then I’ll continue to work and cultivate my craft.

I got a new tattoo this weekend!

The four leaf clover was done in July 2008, when I was sixteen. I had to go to Vegas for it, but I’m so glad I did. It’s a long story, but the clover symbolizes recovery. It’s a marking of my strength, my healing, my recovery. The nod to my Irish roots and extra luck is just a bonus. The lotus is fresh and new, just scarred on this Friday. It symbolizes purity, the growth of my spirituality, and finding that spark of connection within myself.

Anyway. I’m absurdly pleased with how it turned out.

Mallory requested a photo of my new glasses. So, this photo is dedicated to her! Yeah. Not really a picture of my glasses specifically, but I’m really not a fan of close up face photos.

I’m off to bake some spelt cranberry vegan cookies for my older sister and then perhaps practice some yoga. Have a lovely week!

Okay, so, yeah. I have a FEW excuses. I’ve been incredibly absorbed in my A FEAR OF TEARS revision. So absorbed that I finished two weeks before my deadline (I’m wrapping up the copy edits now). And alright, my house has been kind of crazy. We’ve had guests staying for days at a time, I got new glasses, my twenty-one year old sister has been making more (highly welcomed!) appearances, the dogs are on crack, my younger brother (14) and sister (15) are as crazy as ever, it’s been cloudy, it’s been sunny, I was deathly ill for three days but found recovery…

See? A plethora of excuses.

But really… REALLY… I could have easily updated this poor dusty site amidst all the “turmoil”. And honestly, when is life not hectic? When are we not scrambling to stretch every last second of every last day? I guess the truth is that blogging has fallen beneath all of my real greater priorities.

Such as the AFOT revision, which I finished and am truly so proud of, or spending time with my family before I move 1000 miles away this January, and taking care of my body, or just simply enjoying the day I’m experiencing. Hell! If skimping out on blogging means a happier, more content life, then I’m going to skimp like a PRO. Because seriously, it’s been a beautiful month. And that’s what matters. Enjoying what I have, what I did do, rather then focusing on the things I didn’t. Like, er, blogging. Or making those appointments to see my hematologist and orthopedic and remembering to take all my damn medication.

Life isn’t about the endless lists of setbacks and forgotten To Do lists. It’s about the smiles we find within all of those cloudy (or in my typical case, hot) blistered days.

From the Montage at Laguna Beach, California – Featured in AFOT.

Anyhow, like I said I finished the A FEAR OF TEARS revision. I’m so pleased with my work. I finally can recognize that I have grown as a writer. I’m not sure what will happen with the manuscript – if it’ll finally be picked up, or if another revision will be needed, or if it’ll simply grow moldy in the back of my closet – but I’m proud of it. I know that I put my soul into the book, and that means so much to me.

Now I’m trying to figure out what direction I’m headed next in terms of writing. I believe a FALLING INTO YESTERDAY revision is in my near future, but I don’t want to start that until I receive my highly awaited “notes” from a Very Important Person. So, until then, I think I’ll read through the manuscript and let my mind brew. I need to figure out the sequel and clear a few questions up.

From the Montage at Laguna Beach, California – Featured in AFOT.

Whatever the case, life is good. I hope everyone has enjoyed their autumn so far! What are you all doing for Halloween? I MAY document my night, but we’ll see. All I have to say is that I’ll surely be rocking my wings.

The A FEAR OF TEARS revision is going fabulously. Even more so now that I have a real deadline. October 25th. I spent all of the summer skipping around the country and doing close to no work, so getting back to the real grind of ten hour writing days (give or take) feels so good. Like jumping into that chilled pool on a blistering hot day.

My move to the Rockies is just around the corner. It’s 41 degrees in Colorado Springs today (in September!). It’s 102 here. I think I may be in for a bit of shock come January. Snow? What’s snow? Is it something you eat? Hm. I guess I’ll have to see.

I wonder how The Agent is liking FALLING INTO YESTERDAY. I should be hearing some feedback in the next month. Scary, but exhilarating. I really adore life right now. Writing, revising, reading, moving so soon, all with some vegan baking in between.

I want to fly to Alaska tomorrow morning. Who’s with me?

Oh. No one? Well, I guess I should go make some more ginger jasmine tea and get back to writing.

Until next time!

It’s September. The month of school, Santa Ana winds, an abundance of coffee, and wildfires. Outside the air is gray, murky, and toxic. It’s not clouds sitting above my head but a thick layer of smoke. They say southern California is paradise, but is it really a trap? The vain and the rich get the pleasure of watching their world burn up every year. Oh, yes, it sounds like a fabulous life to me.

Life is kind of fast. It’s kind of absurd, too.
In a week I’ve concluded that:

• I’m moving to Colorado Springs this January.
• Yes, COLORADO SPRINGS! Finally.
• Until then, I’ll be working at Comic Quest, the comic bookstore I slaved at when I was fifteen. I’m thrilled to be employed there again.
• I WILL be published someday. I don’t care how long it takes, what it takes, or how many No’s I’ll have to read. It’s not something I’m ever going to back down on.
• I don’t care what people say, revisions are extremely fun. I enjoy them almost as much as the actual writing process.
• I’M MOVING TO COLORADO SPRINGS!
• I’m going to major in psychology, though it make take me ten years to actually get my Bachelor’s. Whatever.
• No. I still haven’t heard back from The Agent. I welcome any response: “Yes.” “No.” “You suck.” “I love Vincent!” “Learn to spell.” I just want an answer. Preferably an answer with, “You’re magnificent, Heather. Be my client and lets make pretty hardbacks.” But you know, beggars can’t be choosers.
• The idea of driving in the snow is absurdly terrifying. I hardly know how to drive in the rain!
• Hi. I’m going to be living in Colorado soon.

I miss conversing through comments with my affiliates. Being a writer hermit in a cave has its perks, but it also has its fall backs. I miss my friend’s blogs! Can I not have it all? Sleep is such a waste of time. I should invest in drinking more then my usual 5 mugs of coffee a day. Coffee is so good for the soul. I think I’d parish without coffee.

Keep your thoughts on southern California (specifically LA right now), friends. Fire Season has just begun, the Santa Ana’s haven’t even started, and we have a long autumn a head of us. I’m safe. I plan to hide under my dining room table with my laptop and write. The toxic smoke infused air can’t touch me here!

I mentioned I’m moving to Colorado, right?

Okay, back to AFOT and yummy Hayden Mason!

As of a few hours ago, I’m eighteen years old. Happy birthday to me, right? I’m pleasantly content and honestly kind of out of it. Really just feeling blessed right now. So far this epic (primarily northern) California road trip has been lovely. I always forget how incredible this state is. I must say, I’m without a doubt a northern girl. I prefer the redwoods, rain, foggy beaches, and green scenery over the southern tropical brown heat any day.

I’ve been soaking up every moment of this trip, primarily in the wonderful Humboldt County. This place has a sketchy reputation (thanks to marijuana farming), but it’s so laid back and remarkably beautiful here. The ideal spot for me to spend my last few days of being seventeen!

Today we’re heading 200 miles south to San Francisco. The Bay Area! YES. My old home. It shall be a wonderful birthday indeed. I won’t be back in Orange County until Wednesday, and then Thursday I head even further north to Seattle! It seems my birthday celebrations will extend all through August.

I’d love to get deep and really dive into my thoughts in terms of my new age, but I must pass out so I have some energy to wander San Francisco later today. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to grab a few minutes of spare time to write more, but until then, a few visuals for everyone:

Enjoy your week!

Well, last Thursday I received a few answers in regards to my poor health. If you follow me on Twitter, then you most likely already know that I somehow or another managed to develop salmonella poisoning. Yes, SALMONELLA POISONING! The thing you typically get from eating raw eggs and meat? The thing that SIX HUNDRED US citizens die annually from? The thing that usually departs your body in 4 to 7 days, if it hasn’t crippled you to a hospital bed?

A few thoughts for everyone:

• I’ve been a solid vegan for 2 years.
• I don’t have a spleen and I suffer from an immune deficiency disorder, as well as four other blood disorders. This leaves my body very undefended in terms of illness.
• My doctor estimates that I’ve had this salmonella poisoning for SEVERAL MONTHS now. My body didn’t have the tools to fight it off alone, so it’s just been… sitting in me. It’s incredible that I’m not dead, really.

No wonder I’ve been feeling horrid lately!

To top this all off, I also learned that I have a severe intolerance to chocolate. CHOCOLATE! My ultimate favorite food. There is nothing more brilliant then a tiny piece of 80% dark chocolate after several hours of rigorous, yet blissful writing. I grew up on chocolate milk, every day, sometimes 3 times a day. Chocolate. I’m intolerant to chocolate. Really? REALLY, BODY?!

Yes, I’m intolerant to chocolate, as well as about a hundred other foods. I now have another new medical term to add to my list! Intestinal Permeability. Basically, my gut is ridiculously and tragically sensitive. I’m practically intolerant to everything, really. It’s very likely I did this to myself, that this yet another lovely after effect of Anorexia. I’m trying to not think about this. I’m just going to push forward, eat what feels best for my tummy, and hope that I eventually regain my body’s trust again.

My name is Heather Ezell and I’ve been chocolate free for 3 days. Please comfort me during this tragic time.

I’m still waiting to hear back from other tests, the more important tests, actually. Blood work. Yes, we now are worried something new is occurring with my blood. I’m praying everything will turn out normal (normal for me, that is), but I won’t get any answers until late August…

Until then, I’m enjoying my life and not fretting over silly things like food sensitivities and salmonella poisoning (which I’m now on intensive medication for). Both have been caught and now I can only move on. While I could morn my new dietary restrictions and last six months of sickening health, it simply DOES NOT matter and there is no point in obsessing over it.

What matters?

Spending time with my family and friends, the fact that my body has managed to put up with all of this turmoil, writing to my heart’s desire, being in the moment, traveling and learning from new sights, and honestly, being optimistic. I know personally that life is too fragile and short to let the small things break you down.

Enjoy your week, friends! Take a moment and dedicate it to something extraordinarily simple and special in your life, perhaps something you’re taking for granted. Cheers for good health!

I don’t remember who made this comment, but a while back a friend of mine mentioned that my blog posts are consistently upbeat and hopeful. She asked me if I ever feel down, if I ever just break down and fall…

My answer? By the hour.

I recently wrote about this in my private LiveJournal, but I’m an emotional wreck. I don’t mean this in a negative way, nor do I mean it in a positive way. Quite simply, my mood plummets and flies at the speed of light. Ask my family. One moment, I’ll be giddy with elation and in the next I’ll be in a lonely corner with death on my shoulders. I have days where even my closest friends and the darkest of chocolates can’t break my case of the blues. And you know what? That’s okay.

I’m human.

Today has been a rough one. Nothing tangible happened, but for unexplainable reasons, my heart is heavy and my mood is low. I wrote, practiced yoga, talked with a good friend for over an hour, meditated on my highly anticipated Ohio trip next week, and even made vegan rice krispie treats… Yet I’m still hurting.

So, in case any one else is wondering if I ever struggle to stay strong and on top of depression: Yes. Yes, I do… But I get by. I grasp onto the knowledge that the hopelessness I’m feeling will eventually pass and that maybe my next moment will be brighter. Because, and this is something I know, there is always happiness ahead.

It is this touch of wisdom that I’m thankful for today.