Okay, so, yeah. I have a FEW excuses. I’ve been incredibly absorbed in my A FEAR OF TEARS revision. So absorbed that I finished two weeks before my deadline (I’m wrapping up the copy edits now). And alright, my house has been kind of crazy. We’ve had guests staying for days at a time, I got new glasses, my twenty-one year old sister has been making more (highly welcomed!) appearances, the dogs are on crack, my younger brother (14) and sister (15) are as crazy as ever, it’s been cloudy, it’s been sunny, I was deathly ill for three days but found recovery…

See? A plethora of excuses.

But really… REALLY… I could have easily updated this poor dusty site amidst all the “turmoil”. And honestly, when is life not hectic? When are we not scrambling to stretch every last second of every last day? I guess the truth is that blogging has fallen beneath all of my real greater priorities.

Such as the AFOT revision, which I finished and am truly so proud of, or spending time with my family before I move 1000 miles away this January, and taking care of my body, or just simply enjoying the day I’m experiencing. Hell! If skimping out on blogging means a happier, more content life, then I’m going to skimp like a PRO. Because seriously, it’s been a beautiful month. And that’s what matters. Enjoying what I have, what I did do, rather then focusing on the things I didn’t. Like, er, blogging. Or making those appointments to see my hematologist and orthopedic and remembering to take all my damn medication.

Life isn’t about the endless lists of setbacks and forgotten To Do lists. It’s about the smiles we find within all of those cloudy (or in my typical case, hot) blistered days.

From the Montage at Laguna Beach, California – Featured in AFOT.

Anyhow, like I said I finished the A FEAR OF TEARS revision. I’m so pleased with my work. I finally can recognize that I have grown as a writer. I’m not sure what will happen with the manuscript – if it’ll finally be picked up, or if another revision will be needed, or if it’ll simply grow moldy in the back of my closet – but I’m proud of it. I know that I put my soul into the book, and that means so much to me.

Now I’m trying to figure out what direction I’m headed next in terms of writing. I believe a FALLING INTO YESTERDAY revision is in my near future, but I don’t want to start that until I receive my highly awaited “notes” from a Very Important Person. So, until then, I think I’ll read through the manuscript and let my mind brew. I need to figure out the sequel and clear a few questions up.

From the Montage at Laguna Beach, California – Featured in AFOT.

Whatever the case, life is good. I hope everyone has enjoyed their autumn so far! What are you all doing for Halloween? I MAY document my night, but we’ll see. All I have to say is that I’ll surely be rocking my wings.

The A FEAR OF TEARS revision is going fabulously. Even more so now that I have a real deadline. October 25th. I spent all of the summer skipping around the country and doing close to no work, so getting back to the real grind of ten hour writing days (give or take) feels so good. Like jumping into that chilled pool on a blistering hot day.

My move to the Rockies is just around the corner. It’s 41 degrees in Colorado Springs today (in September!). It’s 102 here. I think I may be in for a bit of shock come January. Snow? What’s snow? Is it something you eat? Hm. I guess I’ll have to see.

I wonder how The Agent is liking FALLING INTO YESTERDAY. I should be hearing some feedback in the next month. Scary, but exhilarating. I really adore life right now. Writing, revising, reading, moving so soon, all with some vegan baking in between.

I want to fly to Alaska tomorrow morning. Who’s with me?

Oh. No one? Well, I guess I should go make some more ginger jasmine tea and get back to writing.

Until next time!

I don’t remember who made this comment, but a while back a friend of mine mentioned that my blog posts are consistently upbeat and hopeful. She asked me if I ever feel down, if I ever just break down and fall…

My answer? By the hour.

I recently wrote about this in my private LiveJournal, but I’m an emotional wreck. I don’t mean this in a negative way, nor do I mean it in a positive way. Quite simply, my mood plummets and flies at the speed of light. Ask my family. One moment, I’ll be giddy with elation and in the next I’ll be in a lonely corner with death on my shoulders. I have days where even my closest friends and the darkest of chocolates can’t break my case of the blues. And you know what? That’s okay.

I’m human.

Today has been a rough one. Nothing tangible happened, but for unexplainable reasons, my heart is heavy and my mood is low. I wrote, practiced yoga, talked with a good friend for over an hour, meditated on my highly anticipated Ohio trip next week, and even made vegan rice krispie treats… Yet I’m still hurting.

So, in case any one else is wondering if I ever struggle to stay strong and on top of depression: Yes. Yes, I do… But I get by. I grasp onto the knowledge that the hopelessness I’m feeling will eventually pass and that maybe my next moment will be brighter. Because, and this is something I know, there is always happiness ahead.

It is this touch of wisdom that I’m thankful for today.

Smile, smile, smile.

I always find it intriguing how holidays bring people together. Events like Independence Day are especially interesting to me.

My typically-empty neighborhood lake park area was transformed into a melting pot of friends and family, everyone joining together for a festival of music and laughter. Maybe I’m just cheesy (OK – I am), but it makes me spin when vast amounts of people unite in celebration. I didn’t even mind the plastic Orange County folk!

Just a tiny cluster of the large lake.

Anyhow, I’m just rambling. I’m off to go spend my last few days with my Quebecer (Quibecian? Je ne sais pas!) friend before she departs back to Canada. Don’t pass out in the summer heat!

It’s been hard. After living on my own in the rainy Bay Area, returning to my family’s house in the desert of southern California has not been an easy dance. There are many things I forgot about my childhood home – good and bad – and it’s been interesting rediscovering the emotions that my family brings out.

The number one thing that has helped me most with my move has been hiking. I live on the edge of Orange County, literally right next to an 8000 acre protected wilderness park and bird sanctuary. My family is blessed with access to a trail that runs through the preserved land – a trail that I believe eventually leads to Laguna Beach.

Anyway, I’ve become addicted to the hike. The land that surrounds me when I get deep into the hike is mesmerizing. Despite the rollings hills being dry as a desert, they are not at all lacking absolute beauty. I’m able to finally find peace on these walks.

I’m not the only one who enjoys the trail, my Belle baby was in absolute heaven the two different times I brought her along.

Anyway, now that I’ve fully nested into my new (and old) home, I can FINALLY get back to my full time favorite pass time and job: writing! I’m working on a revision for FALLING INTO YESTERDAY and I’m ridiculously excited for the new content and plot twists I’ll be adding. I can’t wait to share the updated manuscript with a few of my readers.

Have a great week!

Anyhow, having that terrible generic Wordpress page up for a few days inspired me to make a new layout! About time, right? I’m actually really proud of it. It features a photo I captured last Wednesday in Colorado Springs. And, to add an even greater personal touch, the header font is my handwriting!

About a month ago I decided to make a few personal fonts for the copies of A Fear of Tears I give out to friends. The novel features quite a bit of Post-It notes, so I figured it’d be fun to make each character’s font unique. ANYWAY, I wound up using Hayden’s (or, er, my) font for the new site header! It makes me giggle, because I’m a bit of a nerd.

But yes, I only have FireFox installed on my laptop, so I’m not sure what the layout looks like in other browsers. Let me know if there’s anything funny going on. I know the header is a bit large/long, but whatever. I like it.

In other news, I’ve returned to Berkeley. My departure from Colorado was rather epic, as an inane blizzard made the I-25 icy and nasty and scary and slippery and dangerous to drive on. Needless to say, the trip up to Denver was a bit nerve racking, but Fayie is amazing and still managed to get me to the airport with an hour to spare.

Somewhere in between Colorado Springs & Denver.

California is currently having a rather ridiculous heat wave (97F in Orange County/86F in Berkeley), so my body is in a bit of a temperature shock. If anything though, the physical discomfort is keeping me from noticing how much I miss Fayie, all of my other friends, and Colorado in general. The ten days passed by FAR too quickly.

To add to my mental/physical/everything craziness, I move out of my Northern CA studio and back down to my family’s house in Orange County this weekend. I have a lot of mixed (mostly negative) feelings about it, but I’m trying to stay positive. It is what it is and I’m going to make the best of it.

The pros of living back at home in Southern CA:

• I get to be with my babies Belle & Leo 24/7!

• Being able to drive my amazing Mini Cooper again! I MISS driving!
• Being with my family, obviously.
• Being near the few friends I have down there.
• Having my own bedroom and bathroom – not having to share a studio.
• Being able to save money in preparation to move to Colorado in the next year.
• Living in a nice house with a pool/spa & outdoor fireplace.
• Getting to cook is a wonderfully large kitchen again and prepare meals/baked good for more mouths then my own. I HATE cooking single serving meals. xD

I’m not going to list the cons of the OC, but focus on the pros. And the pros really are great! So it’s okay! My time in Berkeley has been absolutely incredible, but the moment has come for this chapter to close.

Anyhow. I really need to begin packing up my studio. Fun stuff!

And then last week happened. Dalia and I skipped through the Bay Area and ran through the heavy clouds. And somehow, events fell into place and ideas were made. My calendar went from being blank and sad-looking to bright and happy.

I must admit, I’m quite pleased with all the days awaiting me. I have a multitude of bright events to look forward to, trips that get my blood pumping at the mere thought of them…

But wait, at that thought, I realize that I’m being ridiculous, because today was beautiful in itself. The last ten hours have been extraordinary in the absolute simplest way. I slept in late, wrote for a while, enjoyed a mug of tea, and then went for a two hour walk and found a lovely view of the bay. As the next three months literally become brighter with my thick sharpie writing, I only realize more and more that it’s not what you do, but how you go about doing it. A week can be free of writing, empty of plans, but it still has the chance to be the greatest week of your life.

Hell, what if you made every week the best week ever?

I don’t know. I’m rambling myself into a complete circle. My thoughts are everywhere today, loose and sprinting beyond my reach. The point of what I’m trying to say is simply that you can spend an entire day sick in bed, but that doesn’t mean the day is set in stone in its terror. It’s all about the perspective, all about the mindset.

Anyway, I fly down south to Long Beach tomorrow. A plan that was made only yesterday. It shall be a lovely week indeed.

Why is it that at some points in your life, days sweep by under your feet? And then at other points, minutes stretch painfully – every second a faltered breath?

Those who know me well, know my obsession with time and the past and memories. I can look at a picture and remember my exact emotions, thoughts and who I was in infatuated with in the moment. I can listen to an old song and think of all the other times I experienced the music. I often look back at a year from the exact day I’m living and marvel at where I was in life. And I’m always questioning my future.

Hell, I’m writing a book titled Falling Into Yesterday, that revolves around the past and future.

I’m not proud of my attachment to time, because that’s just what it is – an attachment. And in my search for inner peace and freedom, I’m trying to free myself of obsessions. I’m trying to learn to stay in the moment I’m in, and not wander back and forth in life.

This semester of college has fallen from my grasp. It literally feels like last week I was walking through the crowded parking lot in my combat boots, palms sweaty from the August heat. I didn’t know where I was going then. I had no idea that a two close, close people would drift away and new ones would enter. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t connect with a single person in my math class and that I’d drop two of my other courses.

I certainly didn’t know I’d choose to transfer and move to Berkeley – a foreign northern city where I know only a few singular souls. I had no idea how quickly the few months would pass, that weeks would float in blinks of my eyes. But I suppose that’s the fun of life. The unknown. I suppose it is for the better that I didn’t know what was to come.

A month from today I’ll be moving from the town I’ve lived my entire life. And in this moment, I have no idea what will occur once I’m there. In all honesty though, I think I like that I don’t know what is to come. I enjoy the elation of seeing what occurs from minute to minute.

So, how about I simply live?

I think I’ll do just that.

It’s so boring.

There is one exception to our weather though – the exception that caused the great fires that stretched from San Diego to Malibu last year, that threw my family’s trampoline over the backyard fence and into the neighbor’’s yard, and keeps me tossing and turning at night.

The Santa Ana Winds. They roar and dance through Southern California’s hills and valley’s with no mercy. They kick trees to the ground and toss trash through the street. They spark wild brush fires that destroy beautiful land and homes. The winds will cause your skin to peel and your hair to become brittle, but despite all the shortcomings, I must admit, I love the Santa Ana Winds.

I believe the winds are innocent. Late fall is their one time to shine, their one time to let loose and cause havoc. Through January until October, these winds are silenced – shut down to mere whispers of ocean breeze.

So it’s only natural that come October, they let loose all their steam.

There is something absurdly mystical and elating about the screams of the winds. It’s a sensation that has my fingers punching my keyboard, drawing up plot twists like my life depends on it. When the Santa Ana Winds begin their siren, it feels as if anything can occur.

In this moment, my window is shaking in its frame. My head is heavy from having trees slam across my window all through the night. My eyes burn from the dry scattering air. But in this moment, I feel absolutely alive.

Now, this doesn’t mean that a month from now, when the winds are still screaming their song, that I’ll still be all loveydoveyooohhhahhh. When Christmas morning comes around, and I wake up to the trampoline in the neighbor’s yard AGAIN, I’m sure I’ll be quite… tired of the wind’s playfulness.

Nothing lasts forever, you know – love for destructive winds included.

All my life, I have walked the same path, and I totally do not mean this metaphorically. I’ve literally ran the same path for every walk I go on my entire short life.

Out my door and past the ginormous olive tree (which was once a palm tree) that spits inedible olives to the ground yearly. Skip past the mailbox, where I fell off a Razor scooter when I was ten and fractured my wrist. Wander through the cal-de-sac and swing around the pull, an act I performed every morning in elementary school before the bus came. \

Then there’s the pristine and too perfect stretch of a green golf course – three holes, in case you were curious – dipping into wild life where deer more then often graze. I sold many cookies, painted rocks, and glasses of lemonade on this money-making land. Up the “hill of death”, past the green Mustang whose owner is rather dizzy-making, and around the blind corner where I’m always fearful of being hit.

I could go on for hours, but I can sum it all up in a few sentences, and being that I have an Algebra quiz tomorrow and I’m rather blurry…

My home and surroundings have changed very little. The bubble I live in remains the same no matter what occurs out there in the real world.

I’ll be moving out in less then two months. Moving from an extreme suburban, high-class, luxury-addicted town, to a blazing and wonderfully-faulted city. I’ll be leaving my own large bedroom, my private bathroom and huge closet, to share a tiny studio apartment where the kitchen is smaller then my parent’s shower.

I go on an hour long walk nearly every night, once the sun has set and the temperature is no longer sweat-worthy. Tonight, as I wandered by the club house and illegally ran across the manicured golf course, I wondered where I’d find myself on my walks in Berkeley (where I’ll be armed with pepper spray – like any good girl foreign to a new place).

I’m elated to find out. As much as I appreciate the blessed life I have been given, I long for diversity and culture. I’m screaming to breathe, experience and fly away from this perfect little nest. I absolutely cannot wait to saunter through the different new streets that await me. I’m excited to find my new path each night, form new memories on every street corner.

Also, I must admit, I’m sorta curious to see how my heart and mind behave when I return back to Orange County for the summer. I wonder if i’ll be bliss, or if it’s true that you can “never come home and feel the same.”

I guess the only way to find out is to live.